The last few pages

I'm doing okay, and I hope you are too. I hope you can find something to look forward too over the next few weeks, I always struggle with this time of year as much as I love Christmas, I think it highlights that the way I navigate my place in the world doesn't quite fit with the norm, and as much as I love spending time at home it can feel forced. However, it will be nice to have a couple of days away from work and with my brother. Me and Tasha are also having our reunion after 14 months (!!).

As this year creeps to an end, I took some time to reflect and read through the pages of my journal. Bad idea. I don't often revisit my journal, especially when I am in a neutral headspace, because I find it quite distressing to see the few pages scrawled in my handwriting and dotted with tear stains, my inherent emotional attachment to time and objects takes me back to some of my worst moments this year. But I try and find solace in the progress I've made, seeing how my mindset has changed and how I respond to situations in different ways now.

This year has put me through the wringer, I won't go over it because I've spoken enough on this blog about how much I personally have struggled with my bubble bursting with the lifestyle changes brought on by the pandemic and having the future I felt I was entitled to pulled from under me, and if I've spoken to you at all you'll know about the... other stuff. Which is all fine, btw. Stop worrying Branwyn.

I'm really enjoying writing these blogs, though. I think it's nice to kind of speak into the void but also have you guys there to read it, if you like. I suppose it takes the pressure off both of us. I presume this is what Lorde feels like when she sends out one of her emails.

I'm starting to think that I may have reached a point where being as self-aware as I am is starting to detriment me, I am hyperaware of my ever-shifting moods and put all of my highs and lows under a microscope, and in our current conditions, I think it's reached an unhealthy point. I get really hung up on the past, and I have always struggled to picture my own future.

What do you think next year will bring us? I fell into this year holding someone who meant everything to me in my arms, travelling to another country with one of my best friends and living through what I think are some of the happiest couple of months of my life. I'm not sure I'm leaving the year in the same mindset but I would love to believe that the start of next year can be just as great even as we sail into uncharted waters.

This year hasn't been all bad, I've created some really beautiful friendships in places that I wouldn't have slowed down long enough to explore before lockdown. That sounds weird. What I mean is that I spent time with Nam in Manchester and I met Benji on Tinder. Both places I wasn't before. Moving on, we can probably all agree that this year really showed us who truly cares and who was just along for the ride. I don't mean that in a negative way, it's okay that some people are there to join you on your journey but they will never make it to the destination. It's also okay if you're stepping out of 2020 with a different set of people close to you than the ones you started with. The best advice I received in 2020 was that if the people who were supposed to be there for you weren't, that is not your fault.

On that note, it's getting late. Once again I want to thank all of you who have been there for me when I needed it, put up with my endless cycle of self-inflicted issues, tolerated my Taylor Swift phase. You deserve the world, and I'll do my best to give it to you.

Stream Evermore.

'Til the next one

Naz

Xoxo